Aside from the technical jargon that I've had to decipher while working in the office, there were a few common phrases being tossed around that completely escaped me. I thought they meant one thing only to find out that in this setting they mean something totally different.
For the first few weeks I would hear things like, "I have a present for you" and "I left a surprise for you on your desk." Now I love presents and so upon hearing these declarations I would get as excited as a little puppy waiting for a treat. My eyes would widen and my hands would wring in anticipation. Then I would skip back to my desk as giddy as a school girl only to find...no present. No beautifully wrapped package with a satin bow. No metallic gift bag with iridescent tissue paper bursting out of the top. Not even a little piece of candy or single gerber daisy. At first I tried to look around my tiny little desk to see if it was hidden somewhere. "Maybe this is a game, a sort of scavenger hunt," I thought to myself. My efforts to find this elusive "present" were soon found to be in vain. All that lay on my desk was a mountain of paper with a note marked, "SHRED." I returned to the supposed gift giver and said, "I'm sorry but, did you forget to put the gift on my desk?" Just then a second head must've emerged on my neck because the aforementioned individual stared at me dumbfounded. "Uh no," she said. I placed it on your desk with a note that clearly read "SHRED." Suddenly it all made sense. There was no present. I had been had. I have since learned that a sentence containing words such as "present", "surprise", "gift", "something special", or "something fun" is nothing but a cruel euphemism. Those terms are only used to soften the blow of a horribly boring, overwhelmingly tedious task that I have the pleasure of completing.
I had quite the opposite experience with another term. Let me tell you I was scandalized the first time I heard that we were going to be debriefed at the next staff meeting. "Debriefed?! Are they out of their ever loving minds? What kind of operation is this? I ought to report--indecency that's what it is! How inappropriate, well I never!!" I was quite flustered, flabbergasted, and in a tizzy of sorts. Let's just say I now know the correct meaning of the term and to my chagrin it does not involve the removal of undergarments.
